Merry Christmas to one and all. At the bequest of the one person who likes receiving Christmas letters, I’ve decided to give you an update on our lives!
Suzanne “I will never have pets” Lucas: At the end of 2019, we saw Suzanne giving in to the pleas of her children and acquired two cats, Mikey and Claudia. These joined Daniel’s fish. In 2020 she completely lost her mind and agreed to a Florida Blue Crayfish, Pillboi as well.
Now in addition to worrying about her children, she worries about the pets.
On the plus side--well, let’s not talk about pants.
Suzanne survived the pandemic by eating things, giving webinars about Covid, and cleaning the litter box.
Sarah “I will always clean the litter box” Lucas: The pandemic was the opportunity to find out that Sarah loves online school, so for the 2020-2021 school year she’s enrolled in an online school. This is fabulous as it costs less than her private school here, and she’s always around to clean out the litter box, which she doesn’t always do. Go figure.
On the downside, SHE’S ALWAYS HERE. Ahem. It really doesn’t matter whether she’s doing the online school or not, because the school she would have gone to shut down when Switzerland’s Covid rates skyrocketed.
Sarah brings creativity and hilarity into our house. She is in charge of trimming the cats’ nails and counting the limbs on Pillboi. (Currently at 9, as he lost a claw in his last molt.)
Daniel “I will always clean the fish tank” Lucas: If you’ve been looking for patterns in this newsletter, you’ll determine that this was a lie. It’s always a lie when kids say they will do something gross involving pets.
Daniel grew something like 400 centimeters this year. (I really don’t know how much a centimeter is compared to an inch. He probably grew 3-4 inches in the past 12 months). He went up three shoe sizes. I had to buy him two sets of summer clothes because he outgrew the first set. We’ve had one day with snow this year and it’s time to buy Daniel new boots because he outgrew his winter boots already.
Please send cash.
Mikey “The Vegan” the cat: Mikey LOVES the warm outdoors. He is very upset at us for taking away his beloved warm outdoors and replacing it with a cold and windy outdoors. Every day, multiple times per day, Mikey begs to be let outside, and then gets angry when we open the door to reveal the cold outdoors. What is wrong with us?
Claudia “The Huntress” the cat. Claudia is a tiny fluffball, but should she happen to see a fly, that fly is dead. It’s just a matter of when. Nothing can deter her from her prey. Claudia just discovered Pillboi and has been stalking his tank. However, she hates water, and so he’s safe as she refuses to get her paws wet.
Pillboi “one clawed” the crayfish. Pillboi is from Florida. That is probably explanation enough. Theoretically, his claw will grow back.
Vicki and Bad Janet “Mollies” the fish. Vicki and Bad Janet used to share a husband. They ate him. Then they bulled Pillboi into submission. We expect to see them smoking cigarettes and getting tattoos any day now.
Dance Dance Resolution “Neon Tetras” the fish: They enjoyed swimming back and forth between Pillboi’s claws until he snapped two of them in half. Now that he’s lost a claw, they’ve lost interest. I guess they aren’t that bright.
